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Racing humor
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post.
I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?"
But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
                                                              Henny Youngman

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Let's face it folks we all get tough beats at the track but hopefully a few of the jokes listed below can make you laugh & relieve some of the tension. Enjoy & feel free to submit jokes to us @ comments@surethingselections.com. Only clean jokes will be posted & jokes with attachments or pictures will not be accepted either.

bulletA man is sitting at his table quietly reading the Form one morning when his wife comes up behind him and whacks him in the head with a frying pan.
"What the hell was that for he asks?"
"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name Marylou on it" she creams at him.
"Oh that was just the name of a horse I bet on at the track the other day dear" he replied.
His wife apologizes to him and gets him some ice for his head.
That weekend the man is sitting at the table quietly reading the Form again when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him in the head with the frying pan again.
"Damn. What was that for?" he asks.
"Your horse called" she snarled.
 
bulletThe little boy came running into the house when he got home. "Mommy, daddy took me to the zoo."
"That can't be" she said "there is no zoo within a 100 miles of here."
"It's true mom, one of the animals even paid him $50!"

 
bulletI bet on a horse who was so slow his jockey kept a journal of the trip.
 
bulletMy horse was so late getting home he tip-toed into the barn.
 
bullet

A horse walked up to the betting window and plopped his money down.
"I want to bet fifty bucks on myself to win the fifth race," said the horse.
"I don't believe it!" said the astonished clerk.
"You don't believe what?", said the horse, "That I can talk?"
"No", replied the clerk, "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race."

 

bulletAn obscure trainer breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, and  entered him in a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like this and questioned the owner.
"Is this horse unsound?" they asked.
"Not a bit," said the owner.
"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?"
"Sir, we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."

 
bulletA group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,
"You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

 
bulletA Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows".
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front".
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass".
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town".
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks".
They buried the Bishop the next day.

 
bulletWhy did the thoroughbred go behind the trees? To change his jockeys!
 
bullet A simple woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse  and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slips down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its troubled rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 
bulletWhat's the difference between praying in church & at the track? At the track you really mean it!
 
bulletAn attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.
"What did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback..."
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